


We can hurt together

by kurosuisen



Series: The light that never goes out [4]
Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 22:38:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12118713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurosuisen/pseuds/kurosuisen
Summary: Farrier was the one that went through a hell. But he wasn't the only one haunted by the ghosts of war. Collins had his own ghosts and he wanted to fight them alone.





	We can hurt together

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thrandymajestic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrandymajestic/gifts).



> This chapter is the part of _[The light that never goes out](http://archiveofourown.org/series/820887)_.  
>  This time it's focused on Collins and his feelings.  
> I recommend to read it after part 1 and part 2 of the series, but it can also be read standalone.

Shallow breath and the pain in the chest woke him up from the nightmare. It has been weeks since he had this vivid dream last time. It was always the same dream. Faceless people around him, turning into ashes. Sometimes his plane started burning along with the missile, sometimes he could almost feel the fire touching his skin. He could only imagine the pain and the screams that he had never heard because in the sky he could only hear the sound of his own machine gliding through the air.

Still trying to catch a breath he rested his hand on the mattress and bit his lips, turning back to look at the man sleeping beside him. Farrier was curled on his side and he still had a hand on the warm place on the sheets were Collins’ body had been just a few seconds ago.

It has been weeks since he had that dream last time and he thought that it was gone for good as he was no longer alone. He had Farrier, there was no reason for him to feel any anxiety.

He lifted his hand to touch the man’s cheek, but stopped in the middle of the gesture, with a hand merely centimetres from Farrier’s face. He didn’t want to wake him up.

Slowly, Collins got up from bed and adjusted the blanket covering the man’s body to prevent him from cold. The September nights were cold. He tried to be as quiet as possible when he was looking for his cigarettes. He had found the pack in other room in the pocket of jacket that he put to the wardrobe and didn’t dress up after he moved in. He opened the window, leaned on the frame and lit the cigarette. He didn’t like the bitter taste of cigarettes on his lips, but cigarette smoke was the only thing that helped him catch a breath in the nights like that.

Nights like that didn’t happen often. He had time to improve at creating a wall between himself and the terrors of war that he had seen and those he had to take part in. He was good, but sometimes the wall broke down and there was nothing he could do to predict it, because the wall turned into dust with no reason. Nothing had happened the day before. Nothing that would remind him of the air raid that he had to participate for the sake of his own country.

He blew the smoke from his mouth and sighed watching the small gray cloud that appeared just before his face. He couldn’t count how many times he would get flustered about Farrier smoking in his presence and yet he was smoking himself.

Collins had tried not to close his eyes. Images from his dream were back every time he did. Voices, those he had never heard, either. He kept his eyes open for as long as it was possible before he could feel burning tears in the corners of his eyes. The visions made his body tremble a little. He needed a cigarette to calm down and it was the only reason he smoked.

He shuddered at the gentle touch on his arms. The cigarette almost slipped off his fingers.

‘Did I wake you up? Sorry, I didn’t mean to’ quickly put out the cigarette into the ashtray on the windowsill outside. He had a lump in his throat, but tried to sound as if nothing had happened.

‘You’re cold, love’ Farrier whispered and covered him with a blanket that the blonde used for him just a few minutes before. There was a soft kiss on Collins’ neck and he closed his eyes at the gentleness. The images were back in his mind, but the blonde bit his lips and tried to act as if there was nothing to worry about. ‘Did something happen?’

‘No. Nothing. Couldn’t sleep. It’s probably the weather change’ Collins said and shrugged. The pack of cigarettes lying on the windowsill was a huge giveaway. He turned back to the older man and smiled at him ‘Go back to sleep, please. I’ll be back in a few minutes and you’re leaving for work early tomorrow.’

‘Weather change? You were never the one sensitive to a weather change’ said Farrier and took his chin so that Collins would not look away. ‘What happened? Did you have a bad dream?’

‘Nothing, don’t worry. Maybe it’s that last coffee I drank’ the blonde shrugged, trying to find another believable excuse.

Maybe it was his voice that wasn’t convincing enough or maybe it was just the fact that Farrier knew him better to believe it.

‘I might be half-deaf, but I am not blind, love’ Collins was a little taken-aback of how firm the man’s voice sounded. He bit his lips and look away and Farrier turned his head in his own direction. He gave up and looked the older man in the eyes. ‘I can see that something is wrong.’

‘It’s not important, really. I’m exaggerating, Hugh’ the blonde waved his hand as if it was really nothing. Comparing to what the other one went through, he had seen his own experiences as something bearable.

‘Come on, love…’ Farrier’s voice went quieter as he slowly brushed the younger one’s cheek with his fingers.

‘I can manage it. I… I don’t want to be a burden for you’ Collins entangled his fingers with Farrier’s and placed a gently kiss on the top of his hand. The man’s clench on the blonde’s hand was stronger lately, it seemed that it was recovered as he didn’t have any problems with using right hand  at work, but in a moments like that Collins could feel it shaking a little.

‘You? A burden? Could you listen to yourself for a moment, love?’ there was a perplexed look on Farrier’s face.

‘You went through hell and I was safe in the pilot cockpit. I’m exaggerating. I don’t intend to put my problems on you’ a sheer of panic was audible in Collins’ voice. His eyes, usually light blue, seemed coloured in the more intense shade of blue, as always in the moments when he was about to cry. Only this time he wasn’t about to cry because of what had happened to Farrier, but because he was on the verge of breaking down after what he had experienced himself. He kept calm, but Farrier could sense the mix of emotions he tried to hide from him.

‘Fin…? Finley, listen to me’ Farrier’s voice sounded serious when he took the other man’s face in his hands. ‘You go through my mess without any complain every single day. Your presence overcomes the whole chaos I’m in.’ Collins shivered slightly as the other man ran his fingers through his light hair. 

Collins said nothing at his words. For a moment he even wanted to move away, but Farrier didn’t let him. The older pilot embraced him with his arms and kissed his forehead softly. He kept the man as close as he could.

‘You’re strong, love. But you don’t have to be strong alone. You don’t have to go through your mess all alone’ Farrier’s lips met his in a soft kiss and then he felt the other man’s gaze at him. ‘Let me be some help, Finley. I might be terrible at it, but… I am here for you. Do you understand it, love?’

There was a long silence between them before the blonde slowly nodded at his words. Farrier couldn’t be sure that his word would have any influence on the other’s man actions and Collins couldn’t be sure that he would be able show other signs of weakness to his partner.

They didn’t speak about it the next day.

*

It was rainy night when the next nightmare hit him from the restless sleep. That time he woke up to see Farrier above him, visibly worried. The man wanted to say something, but Collins jumped out of the bed with no word. The older man followed him after a few seconds, when he had heard the sound of opening window in the other room.

The blonde man was standing in the open window again, just like Farrier did sometimes.

He had a cigarette between his fingers and absent-mindedly looked at the emptiness of the black sky. At this time there was no light on the streets, so his face was hidden in the shadow. The rain had already left some droplets on his pale face, but he didn’t react to this, slowly exhaling the cigarette smoke.

‘You should sleep, love’ was the only thing he said and he heard Farrier sighing. He had felt the pang of guilt at his reaction.

‘Would you listen to me if it was me woken up from nightmare, Fin?’ the man asked and stopped behind him, to put his arms around Collins waist. When the blonde shook his hand, the older man kissed his neck and gently covered his hand with his own. ‘It’s the second time I see you smoking.’

Collins tensed at those words. Even though it was really smart move to talk to him in such an indirect way. He looked at the hand on his own and gently let the other man entangle their fingers together while he took another smoke of cigarette.

‘It helps. I think it helps when I want to calm down’ he said, slowly as if he was weighing every single word. ‘Do you think it really helps?’

The question was so helpless and his eyes seemed so lost that Farrier was speechless for a few second.

‘Let me check it for you’ he whispered and lifted his hand to place it on the man’s chest, exactly where he could feel the beating of his heart. Collins looked perplexed, but slowly inhaled the cigarette, looking at the empty square before the building their lived in. Usually it was empty in the middle of a night, but this time they could see silhouettes of a few young people and hear them laughing carelessly.  ‘It helps, it seems’ said Farrier, feeling as the heartbeat of the younger man is getting a little slower. ‘Can I?’ he asked, pointing at the pack of cigarettes and when Collins nodded, he took one and lit it up.

Farrier exhaled slowly, focused on the other man’s breath. It was calm as if he didn’t wake up from the nightmare full of past terrors. One could think that he was already better, but once in awhile he started shaking slightly. Those were moments when Farrier kissed him in the sensitive place just behind his ear.

‘I guess I can’t understand myself, Hugh’ whispered Collins. Another inhale of cigarette smoke seemed to keep him so calm. Or maybe it was just Farrier’s arms around his chest? ‘They made us kill civilians… And yet I was back at the squadron quarters asking for a job. Am I bad person, Hugh?’

His voice broke down at the end of the question. All the calmness was gone – his arms started shaking and his breath became uneven. Farrier was left speechless again because it was actually the first time Collins had really started talking about his time between Dunkirk and the end of war.

‘I… I could protest. I could decline this mission assignment’ Collins’ voice went from trembling to terribly calm which made Farrier clench his fingers harder in the man’s arms. That was the fragile piece of the other one’s mind that he kept hidden from Farrier for such a long time. Never before had he realized that Collins might feel guilty of the bombing.

‘No, love. You couldn’t decline. You were a soldier and that was your mission’ he whispered into Collins ear, trying to calm him down. He couldn’t even say that he understood what the man was feeling because even if he was more experienced back then, he had never been assigned to a mission that involved a bombing of places where civilians lived.

 ‘I was the one shooting. I shouldn’t…’ nervously he put out the cigarette in a wet ashtray. His fingers were trembling, so once again Farrier took the man’s hand in his own, trying to soothe him with a gentleness that he needed.

He didn’t know what to say not to make Collins feel worse about himself, so the older man had decided not to say anything. Instead he gently turned him in his direction and leaned to brush his lips against the other one’s. He could feel the man shivering a little and it made his heart hurt. It was the first time he had seen Collins in such emotional state. Somehow he lived under the assumption that after the war the blonde man was the stable one. But he could also have his moments of weakness and he wanted to be there for him.

Just as Collins was able to calm him down with a melody of violin, Farrier wanted to be able to help him somehow, in any other way. He couldn’t play any instrument, he couldn’t speak in a poetic way like Collins did. He could only offer him his caring presence, his gentle kisses and warm touch. 

He exhaled slowly as Collins nuzzled his face in his chest, clenching hands in Farrier’s shirt. He didn’t want him to avoid the touch and distance himself from him. He had also tried to act like that sometimes and he knew better that distancing himself from his partner never helped. It only made things worse and he didn’t want things worse for Collins. The man deserved to forget even though for now he would lay the blame only on himself. Even if he kept repeating that he didn’t want Farrier to help him, he was embracing him so hard as if he was afraid that the man would disappear.

‘You’re not guilty of anything, Fin’ Farrier whispered above his ear and ran his fingers trough the soft strands of hair. He kissed the man’s forehead in a soothing manner. ‘Let’s go back to bed. You’re cold… And you have a test to do, so we don’t want you ill, right…?’

‘A test?’ Collins looked up at him, suddenly focused. ‘Damn, you’re right. I completely forgot.’

Accidental busying his mind with work was better to keep him calm than he could ever expect. Before Collins fell asleep, he quietly started to plan the questions asking Farrier whether that was a good idea to use them or not. The older man had practically no idea what he was talking about, but nodded, relieved that his lover had found some peace.

*

He was out with fellow teacher from the music school. Felix, one of the piano teachers, had birthday on Sunday, so they bought him a gift and surprised on his way out from the school, inviting him for ‘a drink or two’. What was supposed to be a drink or two became definitely bigger amount of alcohol and Collins mind was a little foggy. Only a little. He didn’t much yet and it was more about being tired than drunk.

On the back of his head he had this thought that maybe he should be going home already, but it was barely after ten o’clock so it would be a little suspicious to go back so early with no good excuse.

‘James, what about you and Maisie Beckett?’ a drunk voice of one of the men made Collins frown. His name was Rodrick and Collins had never enjoyed his company.

‘What about me and Maisie?’ he asked, not exactly getting where the other one was going with this question.

‘Oh, come on, lad. She can’t take her eyes off you. You can’t be blind to that!’ the man called the bartender and before Collins had chance to say anything, there was another glass of alcohol before him.

‘It must be your imagination, old man’ he shrugged off and grasped the glass to have a sip of bitter liquor.

‘You can’t deny it! She’s such a sweetheart…’ Collins rolled his eyes at the man’s smug smile. ‘She’s following you every time you come. You should hit on her, girls these days fall flat at the sight of war hero!’

One moment Collins was slightly amused with idea of some girl being interested with him and the other he had to take a deep breath not to punch the man in the face. His grip on the glass got stronger and his hand started shaking. The topic of him being in the air forces was usually avoided and he was glad for that.

‘Come on, Rod, give kid a break’ Felix patted Rodrick’s arm as he noticed that the moment the man mentioned war, Collins’ gaze became a little darker.

‘You two would make a nice couple’ said the man and he lifted his hand as if he wanted to clink their glasses. ‘Isn’t it time to settle down, Collins? I’m sure there is a line of women waiting for you to marry them. Wife of a war hero… that sounds proudly…’

‘And what’s so noble about being a war hero? Having a blood of people on your hands?’ Collins spitted out and moved the glass away. He didn’t want to make any mess, but his heart already pounded painfully in his chest and suddenly he wanted to disappear. Instead he got up and grasped the man by the collar of his shirt. ‘The bruises, Rodrick? The bullet scars maybe? The fact that you come back as completely different man and even your family can’t recognise you…?!’

‘Collins, I didn’t mean to…’ the man started, but the blonde tugged his shirt even harder.

‘What a noble thing to be a wife of a war hero…!’

Collins had almost pushed him at the table, when suddenly he felt strong arms around him, keeping him from the man so that he had to let go of the collar.  Rodrick was red on his face, trying to catch an air while the blonde still tried to grasp his shirt for a few more seconds.

‘Hey, why don’t you cool down, mate?’ there was a soft voice close to his ear and it was enough to make his body give up and relax a little. ‘No need to get so angry.’

Farrier was standing close behind him, keeping him from attacking his colleague. There was nothing comforting about this gesture, there couldn’t be because the whole bar was looking at them, but it was enough for Collins to take a deep breath, trying to calm down. The older man released him as soon as the blonde’s breath became steady and he put his arms down. Collins didn’t dare to look at the man behind him, shocked by his presence. He had no idea how the other man got there. He lost control over himself and felt bad about Farrier seeing that.

‘You’re his flatmate, eh?’ Felix looked up at the older pilot. He was practically sober comparing to Collins, so Felix glanced at the blonde for a longer moment before looking back at Farrier, giving him uncertain smile. ‘I don’t want to interrupt your evening, but would you mind taking him home?’

‘Don’t speak about me as if I wasn’t here’ Collins clenched his fist and Felix gave him apologetic look.

‘You’re shaken and you need to rest’ said the man and Farrier frowned at the gentle tone the man used. Wasn’t he the one to support Collins?

‘I’ll take care of him’ the older pilot straightened up and grasped the blonde by his arm. He waved at the table where friends from his job were sitting and they laughed at the view, asking whether he would be back. He just shook his head, saying that they live too far away to be back. He didn’t want to be back when Collins was so upset and the distance from their place was a good excuse.

As soon as they left, Collins moved away from him and put his hands in his pockets, still visibly upset. They were out, but Farrier already noticed the difference between them two. When he felt unsecure, he needed Collins as close as it was possible. And when the ghosts of past haunted the younger man, he tried to distance himself from him, even though he needed his touch as much as Farrier did. He didn’t want to be a burden to Farrier.

They walked down the dark empty streets in complete and uncomfortable silence. Collins looked down on the ground, not even bothering to watch the way before them, so Farrier had to be the one, who saved him from hitting the street lamp. The blonde looked surprised when he realized that his partner stopped him only a few centimetres from the solid piece of metal.

‘Watch out’ Farrier sighed heavily, barely able to stop himself from embracing the man because he was sure that it was exactly what the other one needed.

‘Sorry’ said Collins and took a few steps, so Farrier followed him. ‘I didn’t want you to see me like this.’

‘I love you. I want to see all of you’ was what Farrier whispered at his words, smiling weakly. No matter how bad Collins had felt, he was always more concerned about him. He touched his hand discreetly and for a moment he could feel that Collins touched his hand back. That was a good sign.

 ‘I hate it when people glorify being a soldier like that’ there was a certain helplessness in his voice and it hurt just to hear his voice that way. ‘While… While I would do everything to take away all the pain you feel, people laugh that it’s such a reason to pride to be acquainted with people such as you and I. What do they think? Do they even think…?’

It was unusual for Collins to open up with his thoughts like that, so the other one listen closely to his every word. But there weren’t any other words. Still, he appreciated the fact that Collins was able to put his feelings into words and tell him that. Farrier reached his pocket and pick up two cigarettes and light up one to give it to the younger man first. Collins took it with gratitude and inhaled slowly. They smoked in silence, Collins preoccupied with his own thoughts and Farrier preoccupied with watching him because the man was still looking at the ground.

‘I should be able to control myself without having you involved’ whispered the blonde barely audible and it was too much for Farrier when once again the man he loved tried to distance his problems from him.

One moment Farrier was clenching his fists, trying not to say something that would make Collins feel sorry. And just a moment later he grasped the younger man’s arm, pulling him closer to kiss him deeply, almost desperately. It took the other one a few seconds before he gave the kiss back, his arms closing on the man’s neck. It was irresponsible to do that right there, but that was exactly what the blonde needed – the intimacy that made him sure that no matter what his mind was doing to him Farrier was still there for him.

 ‘Don’t you dare to distance yourself from me, my love.’

*

Collins had accepted the fact that the other man wanted to be there for him every single time something from his past haunted him. He accepted that, but never told Farrier that he had those moments. He didn’t need to because Farrier was observant enough to notice even a slightest change in his behaviour. Quietly they both observed each other, always ready to comfort the other one when the time would come.

There were nights when Farrier didn’t woke up and the only trace of Collins breakdown was more cigarette ends in the ashtray in the morning. But usually he woke up when the blonde got up from bed.

That time he clenched his fingers around the younger man’s wrist to stop him from getting up. Collins breath was shallow as he looked at Farrier with an absent gaze. The images were there – both when he had his eyes open and when he had them closed. At the same time Farrier couldn’t catch air, his lungs hurt as he tried to ignore the deafening sound tearing his brain apart.

‘Stay’ Farrier whispered and sighed when the younger man slowly sat back on the bed.

They were both shivering, both in the middle of going through their past once again. They couldn’t find any words to speak up when different kind of fear seized them both. There was an instinct to comfort the other one, but paralyzing emotions kept them from doing anything.  So they just sat in front of each other with their hands entangled in solid grip. They didn’t even look at each other – Collins was looking somewhere above the other man’s arm, trying to ignore images reappearing before his eyes while Farrier had his eyes closed, in a desperate need to ignore the sounds that made him dizzy.

It seemed to last ages before Collins shifted on the bed and slowly leaned back to pull the pack of cigs out of the cabinet’s drawer on Farrier’s side. The air smelled of tobacco when he lit up the cigarette. He inhaled slowly and lifted the cig to the other man’s lips. Farrier did the same – inhaled the cigarette smoke, trying to calm down. He was holding the cigarette between his fingers while leaning to the other man and exhaling the smoke to his lips in a delicate kiss.

‘I should have expected that there will be a day when our nightmares hit us both at the same time, my love’ whispered Farrier and there was a sad smile on his tired face.

Collins opened his mouth to say sorry, but decided not to. He didn’t need to say sorry for his fear and that was something that the older man was constantly repeating him. He realised that just then, when they were both sitting against each other, tightly entangled in their own visions.

‘Can you hear them? The voices?’ asked Collins and slowly covered the man’s ear with his hand. He always did that, always watching the man’s half-closed eyes as he was slowly relaxing. As if he could really have any impact on the sounds that haunted the man he loved.

‘No. Already gone’ Farrier took the younger one’s hand in his own and kissed it gently. ‘Close your eyes, love.’

Collins gave him a questioning look, but did as he said. His lips curved into a small smile when he felt the older one’s lips on his eyelids. The kiss was soft as if the butterfly’s wings brushed against his face. He didn’t move as Farrier’s lips went down, softly touching his cheeks, shifting to his jaw and then finally kissing him again, making the whole world disappear, leaving only them both.

‘What about the images? Can you see them?’ asked Farrier, leaning to his neck to make it warm with his breath. Collins shivered at the feeling and closed his eyes, smiling again. This time there was no fear and no sadness in his smile as he ran his fingers through the older man’s hair.’

‘No. Already gone, love.’


End file.
